Ian And Blackwood (Part Deux) and the silliness of self-proclamations

Ian Buxton once again unleashes the fury at Blackwood distillers. This time the fury appears on the "Rumour Mill" portion of the Scottish Field Whisky Challenge.

Ian takes aim at one of the members of the Blackwood team and their dubious assertions:

Here is an excerpt:

But what caught my eye this time, under the heading “The team”, wasn’t the tiny tots but the redoubtable Ms. Riannon Walsh, described as “Non Exec” and the “USA's leading whisky expert”.

Now leave aside what Paul Pacult, John Hansell or a number of luminaries would make of that assertion and consider Ms Walsh’s own claims to fame.  Her own website describes her as author of “Whisky Dreams: A Culinary Journey Through the World of Single Malt Whiskies” and President of Cloonaughill Distillers Ltd. of Ireland.  Impressive credentials, indeed.

But sadly for such an enticing title, Whisky Dreams does not appear on either of Amazon’s US or UK sites . . .

You really want to read the rest of this . . . Read the full piece here.

What strikes me is why someone would want to make a claim that is A. disputable; B. disprovable, and C. nonsensical.

It brings to mind the angst of the Steve Carell character in "Little Miss Sunshine" over whether he, or his rival was "America's Leading Proust Scholar".

Who gives a shit?

"Leading"?

Even were we to ignore the fact that this is a self-proclaimed title, and consider for a moment that such a title should be granted by people who live outside of your house, by what measurement would the title "leading" be granted?

Amount of published written material on the subject? Respect of Peers? Number of Books sold? Industry Awards and accolades? Respect and admiration from the general public? Runs Batted In (RBI)? Height? Enemy Fighters shot down over the South Pacific?

Can Riannon lay claim to "leading" by any of those measures?

The Sheer Silliness of it All

Yes, self-proclamation is a ridiculous game to play, made more ridiculous by the fact that such a claim insinuates that each country has (or needs, for that matter) a "Leading Whisky Expert". If this were in fact true, it leaves hundreds of nations sadly without their own Leading Whisky Expert.

Well, here and now, I intend to rectify the problem (and make a little cash). Be the first to send me $1 (USD only, please) and I will inscribe for the ages the fact that you are indeed your country's "Leading Whisky Expert".

Just a sample of the many open positions:

• Iceland's Leading Whisky Expert
• Sierra Leone's Leading Whisky Expert
• Kyrgyzstan's Leading Whisky Expert

The best thing of all about this offer is that I see no reason to require that you are from - or have even visited - the country to which you are laying claim. This offer is first come, first claim. Go ahead, declare yourself Afghanistan's Leading Whisky Expert, no one there is going to dispute you!

And, taking this further, why limit it to countries? Think Global, Act Local I always say. In that spirit, I'll be accepting leading expert's from each town.

Some examples of open positions:

• Üssinghausen, Germany's Leading Whisky Expert
• Ross-On-Wye, Herefordshire's Leading Whisky Expert

Consider these localized declarations a real bargain as the cost to you is ONLY $0.25. I know that price sounds crazy, but I think I'll make my money on sheer volume.

We COULD get even more localized (neighborhoods for example - "The leading whisky expert in New York, Lower East Side, East Village, between 2nd and 5th streets and Bowery and 2nd Ave") but of course you'd necessarily be trumped by those experts who could claim a larger area. You'd be second fiddle to the East Village's Leading Whisky Expert; The Lower East Side's Leading Whisky Expert; Manhattan's Leading Whisky Expert; and so on and so forth.

The flip side of this is that Riannon is trumped by whomever claims to be "North America's Leading Whisky Expert"; the "Northern Hemisphere's Leading Whisky Expert" and so on.

But the existence of such geographically-based claims also allows for those of you who might not be so presumptuous to declare themselves a "Leading Whisky Expert".

Fear not, like modern grade schools, we'll consider that each person is a unique flower and special in their own way. SO . . . go ahead and lay claim to any number of non-whisky "leading expert" titles.

I've created a simple formula for you to follow. All you need are 3 things - your name (X), your country (Y), and your field of expertise (Z). Arrange thusly:

<X>, <Y>'s Leading <Z> Expert.

The possibilities are endless. Here are some more examples to get you started.

• Steve, England's Leading Smarties Expert
• Elizabeth M Brinkley, USA's Leading Liz Brinkley Expert
• Yurgi, Bulgaria's Leading Rodent Infestation Expert (Basement)
• Dimitar, Bulgaria's Leading Rodent Infestation Expert (Attic)

Don't be afraid to specialize. After all, isn't specialization the mark of an expert???

Unfortunately, I am not authorized to document these world experts, so please feel free to just start using your new title in emails, business cards, Blackwood's website, etc.

Comments

[Japanesewhisky]

And I officially proclaim you the Whisky world`s leading satirist.

Send me a dollar.

Or maybe you`d prefer to go for a title exchange. I`ll be Japan`s leading North London-born, English-language, Japanese whisky blogging, super doofus.

[XSteveMurphy]

I'd like to reserve Boise, Idaho, please. The check is in the mail.

Do you confer other honors, as well? I was hoping to be named the leading flautist and juggler of cats in Northeastern Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Please let me know.

[scmibis]

Shameless self-promotion has been in vogue ever since the Egyptian pharoahs started with the pyramid thing. Ms. Walsh is only following a time-honored tradition. :-)

[Kevin Erskine]

Poor Analogy.
The Pharoahs may have declared themselves the descendents of the gods, but they had the army to back up the claim.

[Ian Buxton]

I think the poet Shelley had the measure of the Pharoahs - and self-promotion generally. Remember "Ozymandias":

And on the pedestal these words appear --
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.'

[Ian Fong]

Hmmm. Army eh? We could start factions of whisky armies throughout the world, backing up our leading experts. This could get fun.

[Ian Buxton]

Presumably a whisky army would have weapons of mass intoxication?

[Ben Langleben]

Good work in uncovering this.
Do you have a PayPal account? I'd like official recognition please that I am the "The whisky connoisseur of postcode N3 2ST"

[Neil Wilson]

Everybody knows that there is only one whisky expert ... Ray Snyde. How can anyone begin to approach his majesty's monstrous knowledge? His bible shall remain the greatest ever whisky book ever, ever written. Personally I have never read a word he has written because I have no need to. When Ray Snyde says he is the greatest, there can be no doubt. Riannon has a lot to learn.

[Ian Buxton]

Indeed. Ray Snyde is truly the Colossus of whisky. He says so himself, so it must be true.